Closet Gay Fuckboy?

Is there even such thing? I hear you ask!I don’t even think this guy was gay…or a fuckboy…but I want to share my experience and then maybe you can be the judge…

I was on POF (Plenty Of Fish) early 2016 Scowling through the stupid “Yo babez” messages trying to de-clutter this massive inbox. One thing I hate about POF is that, unlike Tinder, anyone can message you- no ‘matching’ required and picking the good from the shit messages is a task in itself.

I came across this handsome Jussie Smollett look-a-like called David. 

David sent me a voice note singing Sean Kingston’s ‘Beautiful Girl’. As corny as it sounds, it was a breath of fresh air and very original. I sent him a voicenote back complimenting his voice and originality. We spoke for a little while on POF until we both decided the app was slow and to move onto What’s App. We spoke briefly, but to be honest, I like to get to know people over the phone. Im old school like that. One I know you well enough, I’m happy to converse on What’s App.

David called me at 11:30pm on a school night. We instantly hit it off and spoke about everything. He did not make me feel awkward talking about anything which was a change. He made no sexual references, he was a true gentleman. The conversation flowed and there were no awkward silences. We came off the phone at 3am. I woke up the next morning to a “Good morning beautiful” text. It made me smile. I hadn’t had one of those in a while.

We spoke every night for hours. We even spoke about marriage and children. He was not shy and didn’t make me feel cringe or too forward talking about commitment so soon.

“Do you like the name Lorenzo? I think that’s what we should name our son” David said. Feeling his forwardness I was like “Ohhh Yeah…Lorenzo is a beautiful name… that’ll be our first son’s name” His last name also begins with L so I was like “It has a ring to it baby- hehehehe”… “But you’re  not baring any of my children until we are married ok?” he instructed. Thinking back now, I can’t believe David and I were planning marriage and children after a few days. At the time it felt totally normal. 

“If you are everything you pose to be, I would definitely propose to you within the first year of dating. I don’t see the need to wait. Life is short”

David made my heart skip a beat. He said all the right things. He even spoke about where we would get married. He said he would like us to get married in the Caribbean.

David had made plans on me meeting his mother. He sent me a picture of him and his mother on what’s app. “Do you think she looks like me?” To be honest, I wasn’t looking at his mother (who was a very attractive mature lady) I was more concerned of why he was wearing such a loud multicoloured jumper with an even louder multi coloured snapback. (I hate snap backs btw – they remind me of Richard, and I think they’re dated) I let the fashion faux pas go over my head “Yes baby, she’s beautiful. She looks just like you” I said trying to sound enthused. “I can’t wait for you to meet her. She’s gonna love you” he beamed. 

After a few weeks of telephone conversations and FaceTiming we agreed to meet. It was our day off and we agreed to meet for lunch. I gave him my postcode and he pulled up to my driveway in his 2001 Peugot 206. He had mentioned he has no interest in flashy cars or flashy gadgets as it’s a waste of money. He gave me a few examples:

“Do you know a BMW only cost £4,000 to make…but they will sell it on for MINIMUM £16,000?”

“Do you know an iPhone is only worth £9 but they sell it for £700?”

“Do you know an IKEA sofa cost £20 to make but they sell it for £800?”

Whether this is true or not, this makes no difference to my life. I cannot build my own car, phone or sofa so I will have to suffer with the extortionate mark ups.

He got out of his car and was taller than I imagined. He was at least 6ft4. But he was really skinny so he just looked lanky. He was wearing a creased plaid black and green shirt with a red gold and green string vest underneath. He had bootcut jeans which were thawing at the ends.

I put his appearance to one side and gave him a hug. My head went right under his armpits which didn’t smell too great.

“You are more beautiful than your pics” David said “I know exactly how I’m going to propose to you” he said “Sorry what?” I said smiling- knowing exactly what he said “Nothing” he smiled back.

I offered to drive my car to Westfield’s. We decided as the weather was nice we go to GBK and sit out in their decking area outside. GBK is one of those restaurants where you pay before you eat. We had ordered with the waiter who then gave us our table number and ushered us to go to the till to pay. We both stayed seated. I looked at David and then looked at the till….nothing. I guess that was my queue to go pay for OUR meals. I was fuming. I paid for our meals and came back to our table. I slapped the receipt so hard on the table in front of him yet he did not bat an eyelid.

We ate our food and went back to mine where his car was parked. No way was I inviting him in. He gave me another hug and kiss on the cheek, said he’d had a great afternoon and went into his car.

The next couple of weeks my replies became slower and I was really starting to be put off by David. His random singing outbursts over the phone were no longer cute and romantic. The selfies he would send to me at work were just annoying and his constant calls felt like harassment.

I spoke to my best friend Yasmin about how I was feeling and she said I was being pretentious and to give him a chance as he is definitely not showing fuckboy tendencies. I took her advice and saw past the annoying singing outbursts and selfie dms.

“Come spend the night at my house” David suggested. I was okay with that. I wanted to see how he lives. He had already given me a tour of his place on FaceTime but nothing was like the real thing. I pulled up to his place in South London. It was pleasant enough. I could tell he had made an attempt to clean up before I arrived. I had a massive OCD problem so there were certain things that were stressing me out; for example. I hate hung up washing on washing lines in the living room. It gives me such anxiety. No shade, just something I hate. I pictured in my mind how I would Feng Shui his whole house and re-arrange furniture and put my female touch on the place. He also had all of his trainers on top of his trainer boxes around the WHOLE house. It was making my eyes hurt. Just put them IN the box. Maybe stack them on top of each other in your room? In a wardrobe? Out of sight? Am I in Footlocker? Am I at a shoe gallery? It was giving me a bit of a headache. David offered to buy me some chicken and chips from the chicken shop across the road. He came back, we ate and watched a movie on the living room sofa.

After the movie, David bought me round in the kitchen. “I have something for you” Nothing prepared me for what he gave me. He reached to the top of his fridge and handed me a set of keys. “What’s this?” I asked “These are my keys. Not only the keys to my house, but the keys to my heart. Feel free to make yourself at home at anytime” As beautiful as this gesture was, I was also creeped out by it. This man doesn’t know me from Adam. We have only been speaking for just over 2 weeks and met each other twice. Was this something he does often? He did mention that in his last relationship he gave up his flat and moved in with his girlfriend and after 9 months they broke up and he was practically homeless. He sounds like a complete hopeless romantic that just dives in head first in all his relationships. I wasn’t sure if he really liked me or just liked the idea of being in a serious relationship. Things were moving way too fast and I hadn’t even processed my genuine thoughts on him as a partner yet he was practically shoving this ‘relationship’ down my throat. I thought to myself “go with the flow…this man really likes you and he could be your life partner, he will definitely treat you like a princess” then I thought “this dude is crazy. He’s seen you twice and he’s giving you keys to his house…run”

I didn’t run though. I took the keys, gave him a hug and a kiss and put them in my coat packet. We went to bed and I slept in my bra and knickers. I made it perfectly clear that I wasn’t going to sleep with him. Thinking back, it was quite evil of me to sleep in my underwear; but he was the perfect gentleman. He spooned me all night and kept whispering that he was falling in love with me.

This was worrying me because to be honest, I’ve done nothing to and/or for this man to warrant him to LOVE me. Not yet anyway. I think he just loves the idea of love and would take absolutely anyone who came his way. I remember at our time in GBK he had shown me the girls he was speaking to of POF prior to meeting me and let’s just say he doesn’t have much of a type. He probably was attracted to me. But thinking back, there was no substance past physical attraction because I had not yet given him any. That’s why I was worried.

The morning after I woke up early and went into his bathroom to brush my teeth. My OCD immediately kicked in and decided I couldn’t possibly stay here for long periods of time as he doesn’t have a bathtub (a standalone shower only) – I love a good bubbles bath in the evenings with candles. This couldn’t work. Plus his tiles looked like they hadn’t seen a Mr Muscles or a bleach cloth since the day he’d moved in. I brushed my teeth and squeezed out the last bit of toothpaste that was in the cup holder and went back in the bedroom to get dressed. “Leaving so soon baby?” David said “Yeah hun, gotta get my son” Truth be told, I probably could of stayed longer but I didn’t feel 100% comfortable. Don’t get me wrong, David was the perfect host. I just couldn’t catch a vibe.

I needed to speak to someone.

I drove home to my mum’s to get my son. I briefly told her about David and showed her a pic of him and the set of house keys he gave me. “Oh my, he’s handsome” she said. “Oh wow, this is it Kanika. You’ve found your king. He is amazing. He will treat you so well. I get such a great feeling from him. Go for it” I took my mum’s advice and thought to myself, I need to stop being silly.

I took my mum’s advice. David and I carried on as usual.

That week, I called David and asked if he would like to come round to mine. I’ll cook dinner and he can stay over. I cooked saltfish and rice with plantain. He came round and lapped the whole thing up. He really enjoyed it. We were curled up on the sofa watching TV when I asked him a series of questions. “What’s the craziest sexual experience you’ve ever had?”

“I had a sexual encounter with a guy…” I spat out my drink “HUH?????” hoping to god I had misheard him. “I had a sexual encounter with a guy” he repeated. “Ok, so what happened?” Trying to be open minded. “One night, I was out with some friends at a house party. Things got a bit sexual with this guy and I gave him head”…

“And you were drunk right?” I tried to find reason for this disgusting act between two (apparently speaking) heterosexuals. “No, not really”… “And you hated it?”… Still trying to make sense of all this “No…I quite enjoyed it”….WHAT…THE…FUCK??? “And did you see him again?”… I quizzed. “No…It was just one time” He assures. What kind of fucking party was this? I asked him about 4 times if it was a threesome. Maybe I could justify how ones dick accidentally fell into ones mouth. Noooooo…Mr Smollett over here just took a liking to cock that day!

I was gobsmacked. I didn’t even want to tell any of my friends or my mum. I started thinking, there was no way I could ever give this man head or sleep with him because I won’t be able to match up with the male lover he’s had previously. David has always spoken on his past relationships quite nonchalant but there was a sparkle in his eyes when he spoke on this guy. I thought “I won’t be able to give him head and him actually enjoy it”

I’m not a homophobe. I have many gay and lesbian friends. But I have never quite understood bi-sexuals. Its bad enough I have to deal with my partner potentially being attracted to other females. But I don’t want to have to worry about the whole population too.

I started to thinking maybe he is in desperate search for a partner because he wants to cover up that he’s bi…or gay. I have a friend Amy who has two children with her long term boyfriend. She found out that he’s been having an affair with an older rich white man. She forgave him and they tried to work things out, but she said there would be times she would have sex with him and after think to herself “did he even enjoy that?” The reconciliation was short lived. My heart goes out to her and her children, but I just can’t deal with all that personally.

I started paying meticulous attention to his mannerisms. Even the way he would sit on the sofa with his legs crossed like a female on his iphone using his middle finger to scroll like a middle aged woman. I would just shake my head thinking “this motherfucker”. He would also sing in a way that was really starting to annoy me as well. He would do (what I can only describe as) the ‘Mariah Carey’ blocking his right ear when trying to hit high notes and I would look at him in absolute disgust. His bathroom was now the least of my problems. I now had no desire to re-arrange his house. I didn’t even want him in MY house. But I still for another two weeks carried on with this ‘relationship’. I then spoke to Yasmin and asked her opinion. I didn’t even finish my sentence. She started screaming (she’s really dramatic) and told he I need to break up with him NOW. Not tonight…NOW! She told me I need to put her on three-way immediately and call him and tell him it’s over as I don’t want to end up like Amy. I instructed her to put herself on mute while I merged our calls and told him I couldn’t be with him anymore as we were not compatible and I am not emotionally available to be attentive as I should be in this relationship. That’s my go to ‘schpeal’ when I want to break up with someone. A classier “it’s not you it’s me”. David told me on multiple occasions that I was making a mistake and I should give him another chance. He asked if he was coming on too strong? I said “a bit…but it’s not the main issue, the main issue is me” He asked if I can I think about it. I said I already had.

For a few more weeks David sent me messages basically selling himself as to why he was a good catch. It became so exhausting I had to be honest with him and just tell him it was the encounter he had with that male companion those years ago that was the final nail in the coffin for me and I’m way too insecure to be okay with that. I did wish him the best in his future and told him he possesses amazing qualities to be an amazing life partner to someone- just maybe not tell them he’s sucked dick before!

We still follow each other in social media. David has a new girlfriend now. She looks….Actually…I’ll not go into that

I now can never watch Empire again. David looks so much like Jamal. The singing. The campness. Not to mention they look physically identical. 

I shouldn’t call David a fuckboy. He actually was anything but…Maybe I was too harsh on him?

I dunno…………..



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