Marriage vs Success

Following from my encounter with James in Las Vegas we have still kept in touch. He messages me everyday. He is a true poet with words. Even when I left for my flight back home, he txted me wishing me a safe flight and spoke so highly of me as a person. It was great to hear as it’s been a long time hearing such wonderful words especially as he wasn’t trying to fuck. I felt every word in his texts. I replied saying it’s annoying that he lives so far away (he lives in Atlanta) to which he replied:
“And it’s it’s not annoying…just inconvenient. God puts people in our life even if it’s just a brief interaction for a reason. I truly believe that it wasn’t chance that I met someone like you here and was able to build a brief connection. The quality of your heart and spirit speaks volumes. You are an amazing woman, mother and overall person”

It was so lovely to hear something so powerful. Baring in mind I am on a plane back to the UK. He has absolutely no reason to tell me any of this. Let alone keep in contact with me. This was even more reason I believed every word he said.
So I’m currently at home doing what I call ‘life admin’ I’m unpacking, washing clothes, sorting meals. I didn’t have much time to check my phone. When I eventually check my phone I see 3 notifications from James. The first one reads:
“Got a question…” The second reads: “Are you married?” and the third: “Sorry I asked you that…you’re dope. hope you’re okay”

I was so taken a back and caught off guard, I had absolutely no idea where that came from I asked him what made him think that. His response kind of pissed me off.
“Just a thought. You are so beautiful, thoughtful, a great mother, educated, seems like you have your shit together…”

I replied back and asked why I couldn’t possess these things and be single?
He said “You def have all those things and more…good spirited being one of the highest qualities. Someone is going to be real lucky to have you forever. And please don’t take it out of context. You can be all that and single. Not intended to come off that way (that only married people can have all those qualities) I should of worded that differently”

I don’t think there would of been a more subtle way to word what he basically said. That if you are smart, intelligent, a good spirited, educated, with a successful career and your shit together and single; that there is something wrong with you. You must be crazy. Now James never called me crazy. Because I think he sensed that’s not the case, so he came to the conclusion I must have a husband.
James isn’t the first person to indirectly ask “so whats wrong with you then?” I’ve had men on tinder and POF say things along the lines of “you must be crazy then”. It’s so insulting because it’s so sad that marriage or relationships is the ultimate level of success. I could be the CEO of a highly successful organisation. Educated with “my shit together” but if I’m not married, none of that counts and all my other qualities are discredited?
 
Why don’t we judge each other on our self achievements and not the person we have chosen to fuck for the rest of our lives?
I’m not saying all men think like this, if that was the case, we would all be single. We were all born single. Couples have obviously come together because they have taken the plunge to “snap up a good one”. They match with a person who possess amazing qualities instead of thinking “why are you still single? What’s wrong with you?” However in this new age of the dating game where we are all desensitized robots, due to being fucked over by ex’s, fuckboys/fuckgirls that we now treat others with such disrespect. The vicious cycle of hurting and neglecting one another which usually starts with the good guy getting fucked over by a fuckgirl who then becomes a fuckboy and then fucks over a good girl. It just goes on and on and on. Instead of thinking “I’m so lucky to have finally found someone as amazing as you” it’s more of an “you’re too good to be true. I’m not worthy of finding anyone as special as you. Anytime I thought I have it’s gone wrong, therefore, there must be a catch and you must have something wrong with you” *sigh*
I would like to think that I am still a good catch and if I could I would date myself however with so many guys out there with trust issues and with disposing of people (ghosting) and being able to pick up their phones and jump into something brand new. Where is the authenticity of truly developing anything authentic these days and truly working towards the end result…which ultimately is MARRIAGE?!
Years ago I had no desire to get married. I always thought it would be nice, but it wasn’t something I obsessed over or thought was something I needed to ‘achieve’ in life. I have always been an independent woman and always celebrated that.
I’ve found that recently I have been obsessing about marriage. Getting really anxious about turning 30 next month and still being single. I spend an unhealthy amount of time watching various wedding programs and now feel like nothing I do in life will be as credible as getting married.
It’s a sad world we live in. I truly believe there are women who have married the first man who’s asked due to pressure and society. I know there are some cultures which arrange marriages etc however I’ve up to recently always been comfortable with the idea that I may not get married and that’s okay…or is it?
I’ve also read blogs where women have stayed in their marriage to ‘save face’ whether it be their husbands have been unfaithful or abusive, they would much rather stay in that than be single and be seen as a failure. Am I a failure because I’m single? Does being educated, a good person, smart not count for anything?
Why do men not have the same pressures as women to be married and have children before they’re 30?
Why is a single 30 year old man such a great catch but a single 30 year old woman with or without kids (or single mother) has something. “wrong” with her?
I’ve found myself recently so obsessed with married or engaged women I’m constantly staring at women on the trains’ left finger. If they have a ring I think they are successful. If I see someone who looks anything over 35 with no signs of a wedding ring I do exactly what has been done to me and ask to myself “hmmm, what’s wrong with you?”
To avoid anyone looking at me in that same way I wear a fake ring on my left finger on the train and take it off when I get to work. I’ve forgotten to take it off a few times and I’ve had colleagues ask if I’ve gotten engaged and I quickly laugh and say “oh I just swapped my ring over because my finger is swollen on my right” Even an old friend I hadn’t seen in a while who I met for dinner for a catch up screamed “OMG you’re engaged?!!” beaming. I was so embarrassed. I shrugged it off with the right finger being swollen excuse again.
I’ve even put my title down as “Mrs” sometimes for applications for forms or items I’ve purchased online. It’s so pathetic. 
So why do we do this to each other? As women, why do we compete for the attention of men?
We teach girls to shrink themselves
To make themselves smaller
We say to girls
“You can have ambition
But not too much
You should aim to be successful
But not too successful
Otherwise you will threaten the man”
Because I am female
I am expected to aspire to marriage
I am expected to make my life choices
Always keeping in mind that
Marriage is the most important
Now marriage can be a source of
Joy and love and mutual support
But why do we teach girls to aspire to marriage
And we don’t teach boys the same?
We raise girls to each other as competitors
Not for jobs or for accomplishments
Which I think can be a good thing
But for the attention of men
We teach girls that they cannot be sexual beings
In the way that boys are
Feminist: the person who believes in the social
Political, and economic equality of the sexes – Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie
Advertisements

One thought on “Marriage vs Success

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s